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Jeweler's jokes anyone?


#1

Hi all, In light of all the creepy shop injury stories as of late,
and I’m right in there with Noel Y., got too freaked out to read past
the 3 or 4th story (yikes!) I thought maybe we could bring a little
levity back into OrchidLand! So…

Does anybody know any good jeweler’s jokes?

:slight_smile: Carol Carter-Wientjes


#2

People tell me jeweler’s jokes all of the time. The folks telling
them think that they are a riot, but none of them (so far) are
repeatable in polite company. I hope that someone knows one that is!

Lisa, (raining and freezing ugh…at least its put out most of the
fires) , TOpanga, CA USA


#3

I don’t know any real jeweler jokes, but I know a potter joke with a
jeweler in it… I suppose you could switch it around, but as a
potter way before I was a jeweler, I like it as I heard it. Here
goes:

As coincidence would have it, three people ended up sharing a lotto
win, and they turned out to be a painter, a jeweler and a potter.
This got press attention, and they were lined up and asked what they
planned to do with the money. The painter said, " I think I’ll go to
Paris, live on the Left Bank, and spend my days in the Louvre. I
won’t leave until I can take away with me the secrets of the Old
Masters." The jeweler said, “Well, there’s a piece I’ve had in mind
to make almost since I became a jeweler, thirty years ago, but it
requires the exact right opal. I’ve never been able to find that
perfect stone, so I think I’ll go to Australia, to the opal fields,
and dig for it myself, until I have found the opal I’ve dreamt of to
make my masterpiece”. Then they asked the potter, how did he plan to
use his millions. He said, “Oh, I think I’ll just keep doing art
fairs til it runs out”.

–No�l


#4

I remember this from the Johnny Carson’s ‘era’…

Listing of grammatical terms for ‘groupings’:

A crowd of people.
A herd of cattle.
A gaggle of geese.
A flock of pigeons.
A sleaze of jewelers.

Kim Lilot.


#5

Do you know the closest thing to SILVER?

The Lone Rangers Rear End

David Geller


#6

okay people, here’s a joke i heard at the bonita springs national
show this january: two jewelry designers were friends on the circuit
and bought a lotto ticket together while doing a show in south
florida. they won and split 10 million dollars - $5,000,000.00
apiece. each artist was interviewed on national television. the
interviewer asked the first one what he was going to do with his
money. the jeweler thought for a moment and answered, “i’m going to
travel to places i never got to go to - places that don’t have fine
art shows. i’m just going to travel and enjoy myself.” when the
question was put to the second jeweler she answered “oh, i guess
i’ll just keep doing these shows until the money runs out.” ive life
is short people, enjoy it!


#7

A guy goes into a jewelry store and leaves his ring to be sized.
The next day he gets called out of the country on business for three
years. Upon his return he finds the original receipt for the repair
in his apartment and decides to go back and see if he can still get
his ring back. He goes to the jewelers’ and hands him the slip. The
jeweler goes in the back, rummages around a bit, comes back out and
says “It’ll be ready tomorrow”.

Daniel R. Spirer, GG
Spirer Somes Jewelers
1794 Massachusetts Ave
Cambridge, MA 02140
617-491-6000
@spirersomes
www.spirersomes.com


#8

Lisa, Maybe I am not polite, but I have told the joke I posted to my
customers, and they got a big kick out of it. As long as it is not
bigotry, or racist, or you are reasonably certain that it will not
offend someone for religious reasons, take a chance. I take a lot
of risks with being honest, it is hard to describe, but sometimes
when you tell the truth that is obvious in a humorous way, people
really respond well. They remember you. You make them laugh. I tell
couples when looking at wedding bnds that when a guy wears a wedding
band that is to thin, it looks like he is ambiguous. And I tell him
that she wants it really hard to get off when sizing
him. They both laugh. Richard in Denver


#9
I take a lot of risks with being honest, it is hard to describe,
but sometimes�when you tell the truth that is obvious in a
humorous way, people really respond well. They remember you. You
make them laugh. I tell couples when looking at wedding bands that
when a guy wears a wedding band that is to thin, it looks like he
is ambiguous. And I tell him that she wants it really hard to get
off when sizing him. They both laugh.

Richard,

No truer statement could be made. If you�can not be yourself around
your customers they will no doubt feel you are “just a sales
person”.

I take it a step further and always make it a point to offer the
bride to be�the installation of a set screw in the mans wedding
band, one that only she will have a key to.�For an extra $150.00 I
will set a diamond in the point of the set screw which will always
remind him that he is married. The women love it, the guys just kind
of sit and laugh nervously.

I feel if you can make them laugh you are half way to making the
sale.

John Sholl
J.F.Sholl fine Jewelry


#10

Since I was involved in a nitric acid thread recently, I thought I
would share a story that makes me laugh every time I read it. I
found a copy on the internet. Here it is:

  While reading a textbook of chemistry, I came upon the
  statement "nitric acid acts upon copper." I was getting tired
  of reading such absurd stuff and I determined to see what this
  meant. Copper was more or less familiar to me, for copper cents
  were then in use. I had seen a bottle marked "nitric acid" on a
  table in the doctor's office where I was then "doing time!" I
  did not know its peculiarities, but I was getting on and likely
  to learn. The spirit of adventure was upon me. Having nitric
  acid and copper, I had only to learn what the words "act upon"
  meant. Then the statement, "nitric acid acts upon copper,"
  would be something more than mere words. 

  All was still. In the interest of knowledge I was even willing
  to sacrifice one of the few copper cents then in my possession.
  I put one of them on the table; opened the bottle marked
  "nitric acid;" poured some of the liquid on the copper; and
  prepared to make an observation. 

  But what was this wonderful thing which I beheld? The cent was
  already changed, and it was no small change either. A
  greenish-blue liquid foamed and fumed over the cent and over
  the table. The air in the neighborhood of the performance
  became dark red. A great colored cloud arose. This was
  disagreeable and suffocating - how should I stop this? I tried
  to get rid of the objectionable mess by picking it up and
  throwing it out of the window, which I had meanwhile opened. I
  learned another fact -nitric acid not only acts upon copper but
  it acts upon fingers. The pain led to another unpremeditated
  experiment. I drew my fingers across my trousers and another
  fact was discovered. Nitric acid also acts upon trousers.
  Taking everything into consideration, that was the most
  impressive experiment, and, relatively, probably the most
  costly experiment I have ever performed. I tell of it even now
  with interest. It was a revelation to me. It resulted in a
  desire on my part to learn more about that remarkable kind of
  action. Plainly the only way to learn about it was to see its
  results, to experiment, to work in a laboratory. 

  --Ira Remsen, author of a chemistry text published in 1901,
  and     co-discoverer of saccharin

#11

This isn’t really a joke, but one of my sayings that I tend to
repeat over and over until anybody that knows me knows it by
heart!

  If you can't fix it?  FLUX IT!

#12

A Jewelry riddle from Readers Digest circa 1960:

What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches; the other watches cells.

(…groan…)

Alan
Revere Academy of Jewelry Arts
760 Market Street - Suite 900
San Francisco, CA 94102
tel: 415-391-4179 fax: 415-391-7570


#13

I have to say this has been one lousy group of jokes (my own
included) about jewelers. We are in quite a PICKLE here and it has
become apparent that we are not humorous enough for people to even
make jokes about us. We need to FIRE ourselves up about this. I
propose forming a new union of jewelers and craftspeople who are
BRASS enough to develop some new jokes about themselves. I suggest
we start a study group about why we aren’t funny enough and work at
it until BEADS of sweat are pouring down. We need to DIAMOND that we
get our fair shake. People are going to start to RUBY it in when
they hear how boring we are. Let’s pass the TORCH on here people.
You all know the DRILL. I’m really starting to get STEAMED up about
this now. Let’s POLISH up our act. Excuse me, but I have to go put
on some ROUGE now.

Daniel R. Spirer, GG
Spirer Somes Jewelers
1794 Massachusetts Ave
Cambridge, MA 02140
617-491-6000
@spirersomes
www.spirersomes.com


#14

OK!

This diamond merchant is on a cruise and he falls overboard. His
partner screams and everyone rushes to the side and shouts for help.

In the distance they see the fins of a whole bunch of sharks
cleaving the water as they swim towards the man.

Someone has the presence of mind to throw out a float and the man
grabs hold of it but too late!

The sharks reach him.

There’s a bit of a frothing of the water - but then to everyone
surprise the sharks turn around and leave. When they get the guy back
on board he’s cold and wet but unharmed.

Why? Everyone asks.

“Aha!” Says the diamond merchant. “Professional etiquette!”

Tony Konrath
Key West Florida 33040


#15

G’day

There is an old jeweller called Dan'l
Who must have soft eyes like a span'l
And his writing of puns
Tends to give me the 'runs'
It is just a whole load of flann'l.

Cheers for now,
John Burgess; @John_Burgess2 of Mapua, Nelson NZ


#16

I take no credit for this one. It was sent by my alter ego, MELVIN
ZWICK.

King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Crosus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t
you know who I am?” I am the king."

Crosus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are.”


#17

Daniel, I hate to METAL. But at the risk of sounding cranky like
William SAPPHIRE, I myself SAW that the poor quality of the jokes was
making us all SOLDER and SOLDER and TARNISHING the reputation of this
noble group. Your post is clearly the JEWEL in the Orchidian CROWN.
The GOLD of this group should be to ROLL OUT some new and improved
jokes. I don’t know WIRE we haven’t done better, it beats the SHEET
out of me. Now that I have made my point I will end my sentence not
with a period, but a PERIDOTS… I am sorry for all the puns, please
don’t call the COPPERS.

Mona


#18

all right people, here’s another old one: the buzz on new york’s
diamond row was about a fabled stone rumored to be coming on the
market, but the old dealers knew the story behind it just shook
their heads. a newcomer asked what the stone looked like and heard
"ahhh, it is the most perfect, the largest, the most clean blue
white diamond in the world!" the newcomer persisted “but what’s
wrong with it?” " much shaking of heads and sorrowful moues, until
one bent old man raised his head, stared hard into the newcomer’s
eyes and intoned “it comes with the klopman curse!” perplexed, the
new guy looked from face to face for an answer and finding none he
asked “what’s the klopman curse?” every wise head nodded and one
bold old man with trembling voice announced, “mrs. klopman!”


#19

Dear Orchidians,

I had a jewelry joke, but it was in poor taste. It’s still in poor
taste, but since someone mentioned that we jewelers are poor examples
for joke tellers, I thought I’d pass it on and let the moderator be
the judge of whether to publish it or not. The joke follows:

A woman goes to her gynecologist, worried about the cause of some
mysterious green circles that have appeared on the insides of her
thighs. The doctor looks and looks and can find no apparent cause
for the marks. Suddenly he asks her, “Does your boyfriend wear
earrings?” “Why, yes,” she replies, “How did you know?” “Tell him
they’re not real gold.”

Denise Elliot
Clintonia Couture Jewelry


#20

Ah, yes! This is a “jewelry” joke, rather than a jewelers’ joke…
The very same Mrs. Klopman was told by her her doctor that she had a
fatal condition and would never outlive her husband. She immediately
commissioned a world-famous portrait artist to paint her portrait,
which was to be hung above the mantel in the living room.As she
posed for the portrait, she instructed the artist to include a few
things other than the famed Klopman diamond. “Paint on my wrist a
three-tiered diamond tennis bracelet”, she said.

"Also, paint on Tahitian black pearl earrings the size of grapes."
She continued in this vein, asking him to paint several rings on her
fingers and a ruby and diamond tiara for good measure. The artist
did as he was told, and turned out a dazzling portrait. When the job
was finished, before he left, the artist said, “May I ask you a
question, Mrs. Klopman?”

“Sure, go ahead” she replied.

“Well”, said the artist “Painting the Klopman diamond was easy, but
I had a heck of a time dreaming up all the other jewelry you wanted
me to add on. Tell me, why did you want it?”

A crafty gleam lit Mrs. Klopman’s eye as she explained, “Because
when I’m dead and my husband brings the next Mrs. Klopman into this
house I want her to look at my portrait and go crazy trying to find all that stuff!”

Dee