Jeweler's jokes anyone?

  OK, so you have to mispronounce canal. I look forward to those
of you who can do better! 
Dan'l, our neighborhood jeweler,
Was thrilled with his handy new tool bur.
He gave it a go,
But came in too low,
And spent hours with his toe in a cooler.

OK, so I should have posted it to the Shop Injuries thread :-).

Beth

Ah, yes! This is a “jewelry” joke, rather than a jewelers’ joke…
The very same Mrs. Klopman was told by her her doctor that she had a
fatal condition and would never outlive her husband. She immediately
commissioned a world-famous portrait artist to paint her portrait,
which was to be hung above the mantel in the living room.As she
posed for the portrait, she instructed the artist to include a few
things other than the famed Klopman diamond. “Paint on my wrist a
three-tiered diamond tennis bracelet”, she said. “Also, paint on
Tahitian black pearl earrings the size of grapes.” She continued in
this vein, asking him to paint several rings on her fingers and a
ruby and diamond tiara for good measure. The artist did as he was
told, and turned out a dazzling portrait. When the job was finished,
before he left, the artist said, “May I ask you a question, Mrs.
Klopman?” “Sure, go ahead” she replied. “Well”, said the artist
“Painting the Klopman diamond was easy, but I had a heck of a time
dreaming up all the other jewelry you wanted me to add on. Tell me,
why did you want it?” A crafty gleam lit Mrs. Klopman’s eye as she
explained, “Because when I’m dead and my husband brings the next
Mrs. Klopman into this house I want her to look at my portrait and go
crazy trying to find all that stuff!” Dee

A reporter was interviewing a jeweler for a story she was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and asked him to tell her about his
most memorable client.

“It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her
inscribed wedding band,” he recalled. "One earring read, 'with all’
and the other, ‘my love.’

"when I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, "To
remind me the next time anyone said that to me, to let it go in one
ear and out the other.’ " Lee Epperson

There once was a jeweler named Dan’l Who’s ego was big as a panel Try
hard as they could To knock down his wood, He still laughed all the
way to the bank’l.

Daniel R. Spirer, GG

Wow! After reading this thread, hoping to find a remotely funny joke
about jewelers or jewelry, the one thing that sticks in my mind was
an old wise crack that being stuck in an elevator with a life
insurance salesman would be the worst thing to happen to anyone…I
need to reconsider that…

Accountants don’t grow old. They just lose there balance. Jewelers
don’t grow old. They get set in there ways. Jewelry can’t get mad but
it does get steamed…Occasionally it gets bent out of shape. No one
likes a broken marquee…It’s pointless. The three rings of marriage:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering. There are no genuine
jeweler jokes…They are all man made.

Well I guess this explains why they lock me in the back room… :wink:

A woman is discussing the possibility of her untimely death with her
husband.

"Honey, ifI died tomorrow would you remarry?" The wife asks.
"Of course" the husband replies.
"Will you let this new wife drive my Mercedes?" She asks.
"That would be the most practical thing to do" states the husband.
"And wear my furs?" she asks becoming increasingly agitated.
"By all means, honey, why not?"
"What about my five carat 18k yellow tennis bracelet?" She shouts.

To which the husband barks back “well, absolutely not, she’s a
platinum gal.”

OK, it’s a cartoon, not a joke, but it is about jewelers:
http://pengcognito.com/showall.php?id=jwb&numpix=4

This is not PG-rated.

You’re familiar with the word “schmuck”, right? And its literal
meaning in Yiddish?

I was telling a Jewish friend about the goldsmith Elisabeth Treskow.
“Some of her work is at the Schmuckmuseum in Pforzheim.” Then I
digressed: “‘Schmuck’–what a terrible name for a museum!”

“It’s not what you think,” he said. “The German work schmuck not the
same as the Yiddish word. In German it means ‘ornament’.”

“But the Yiddish word obviously derives from German. How did its
meaning change so completely?”

“The meaning didn’t change. ‘Ornament’ is sometimes a euphemism
for penis. The Yiddish translation is just a sly reference to the
male mindset. Sort of like the expression ‘the family jewels’.”

Okay, it doesn’t qualify as a joke. But we found some humor in it.

Janet

In regard to the meaning of ‘Schmuck’, one of its translations is
’small ornamental object of not much practical value’ Charles

Charles Lewton-Brain/Brain Press

After reading Daniel and Mona’s clever puns, I had to send this
along. It’s a piece I saved from the August 1, 1994 issue of
National Jeweler, written by someone named Troy Finegold, and I just
got permission from them to print it here. Hope you get a chuckle or
two out of it! Here goes…

I remember it like it was yesterday. The call came in late one jet
black night. A former blues star named Sapphire was missing. She’d
last been seen at a cheap little place called the Cinnabar. Of
quartz, this was the kind of case I had quite an apatite for. I
fired up my topaz and headed right over.

The boule at the door looked pretty rough. I made him to be a former
boxite. He’d been hard, but dumb as an onyx. He’d fought under the
name Sugarite Leonard. Once he’d been a contender, now he just
looked jaded.

I looked past him to the hostess, Pearl.

Pearl was cultured but liked to string men along. She didn’t like
guys who were freshwater. With her it was best to just clam up and
act natural. Then mabe shell take you home to meet her momme. If you
know what I mean.

“You look lustrous tonight,” I said.

“Abalone,” she replied.

“Where’s the boss?” I asked.

“You mean Jasper?”

I scanned the room. There in the back was the boss. Now, I’d red
Jasper to be an agate, but he was clustered with some real gems.

On his left was Ruby, who always showed a lot of Thai. On his right
was Diamond. She was a real contradiction: flawless but all
cleavage.

“Glad to see you,” I muttered.

“I2,” she replied.

The lights dimmed, and the entertainment started. It was Anneal
Diamond, backed by a former wedding band, doing a Stones Medley.
They were playing “Sympathy for the Bezel.”

Then I saw her.

It was Sapphire standing behind the mica phone singing backup. The
band finished with a brilliant version of “Rolling and Tumbling” and
took a break.

I didn’t want to be rutile, but I walked right up.

“You’re harder to find than a Chatham Diamond,” I quipped.

“Yehuda think you’re talking to?” she shot back.

“You’ve been missed, and I’d sodalite you to come with me.”

Sapphire diffused to listen. In fact, I could tell that she was
getting irradiated. She motioned to the boule at the door, and he
was on me like a cheap doublet.

He drilled me hard and opened up a culet over my fisheye. I kicked
him in the strontium. He screamed something obsidian. A melee broke
out, and someone called the coppers.

Everything got crazed as I grabbed Sappgire and headed out the
door.,

“Iolite your style,” she said, obviously no longer verneuled with
me.

“Are you Ceres?” I asked.

We haloed a cabochon. She sat on my lapis.

We spent the rest of the night at my place getting louped.

This not a joke. I was told 30 years ago what was supposed to be a
historical fact. The reason the number 13 was unlucky is that in
the days of old, when only royalty could wear jewelry, penalty death,
if there was a special commission and they needed more help, they
would train however many over the 12 person crew normally used, when
the job was done, any trained help over 12 were put to death. I was
also told that in ancient times, to make a statue it was believed
that a slave had straws put in their nose, they were packed in clay,
burned out, bronze poured, = statue. A wax carver in Italy saw
statues with detail, hair, that could not be done by carving.

This has been such a wonderful thread–I’ve only been able to scan
Orchid for the last 2-3 weeks (moving…) and it’s been so much fun
reading these. So here’s a really stupid one (and a “jewelry joke” at
best):

A woman is dragging a long silver chain down the street. A second
woman stops and asks, “Why are you dragging that chain?” The first
woman replies, “Have you ever tried to push one?”

Lisa Orlando
Aphrodite’s Ornaments
Benicia, CA

Actually, it’s an Alanon joke, and the chain wasn’t silver, but I
tried to dress it up…

okay people, to keep the quality of jokes at its current level i am
forced to submit original doggerel to keep the standard down:

'jerry, a jeweler in east nutting,
was known for his great stone cutting.
but friends said he'd come to no good
all jerry thought of was food [so it doesn't rhyme, lighten up people]
they were all proven right, 
alas, one horrible night -
his mind was on planning a meal, 
thus distracted, he fell on his wheel -
that's how the former 'jeweler jerry' 
became the famous 'chef shari'.

ive

Not quite a joke but rather a visual. I found this in one of my
enamel newsletters years ago. It is a cartoon I have on my studio
wall that is signed Larson. I believe he is the Far Side guy:

We see the corner of a living room, a bit of a picture frame on the
wall, a lamp with flowered shade on an endtable and a big round man
sitting in an easy chair with lace doilies on the arms and back of
the chair. The guy is hunched over and is peering through big round,
and I’m assuming, magnifying glasses at a teensy book that he is
carefully holding. This book is probably 3/4" by 1-1/2".

The caption for the cartoon reads: “Roger studies cloisonne
techniques.”

Orchid Rules!..Karla in So. California