Tub of Gold
Of the more than four billion dollars, conservatively speaking, in
lost treasure that’s spread across this country, I can tell you
where approximately 1 million dollars of it is. It’s in a tub my
friends…in an old washtub, deep in the ground somewhere in the
Black Hills of South Dakota. And here’s how it got there.
Back we go in time…to that moment in our history when
prospectin’ was a better bet than the lottery ticket. Fact of the
matter is, there was no lottery ticket back then, so prospectin’
was the “only” bet. The year is 1879. A couple of guys named Shafer
and Humphrey teamed up. Pick and shovel and pan on shoulders, they
staked out a 20 acre claim near Tigerville, in the Black
Hills…and they worked their claim for two years…and they struck
it rich. By gum…they were wealthy. Stinkin’ wealthy. One of the
holes they dug was alone supposed to have yielded 17 pounds of that
yellow metal. And another hole they dug was yielding a pound of
gold a day. Anybody got a calculator?
Alas…with so much gold…and nary a decent safe to be found…a
dilemma arose. Where to store the stuff. But Aha! An idea came
glimmering through the dark abyss of muddled thoughts. In that old
washtub there, Shafer. You betcha there, Humphrey. And that’s what
they did. They filled an old washtub to the brim with gold and
more gold and more gold again. Till Humphrey had enough. Think I’ll
take my share, he said. And he did. And he trudged on back home to
Ohio, to the wife and kiddies.
Ah…but Shafer…he was a bachelor type. Single, and footloose,
and fancy free…he was a loner. A fringe herd member. No
relatives, no friends, no nothing. On top of that, he didn’t
gamble. And he didn’t drink. So what was left? Prospectin’ is what
was left. And that’s what he did…to his dying day…filling that
tub back up. He lived in an old cabin, and he prospected, and he
died. And though some say they saw the rotting remains of his body
near Hill City, no one ever found even a nugget of gold.
So now…you treasure hunters out there…who might want to find
all that gold…not so much for the monetary rewards you would
glean, but rather for the pure joy of using it to create wonderful
masterpieces of jewelry to give as gifts to friends and loved
ones…to you altruists pure in mind and body…I give directions
to the source. Of course, to the others of you who have more
mercenary tendencies, I also pass on these directions…with this
little reminder. Benjamin Mark gets a finder’s fee for all the
trouble he went through getting the directions which will send a
lucky one to fame and fortune. How much of a finder’s fee, you ask?
Aw shucks folks…I don’t know. Ten percent? Maybe fifteen? Whaddya
Okay…here’s how. In the south western area of South Dakota,
round about 30 miles southwest of Rapid City, and not too far from
Mount Rushmore, is the town of Hill City. Get there, put on a nice
tie and a clean shirt, and stroll on in the local library, and ask
the lady behind the desk where Shafer’s cabin was, somewhere along
Newton Fork. When she tells you, you stroll slowly and quietly out
of that library, till you’re out of her sight…and then you make
like a bat outa hell for the spot…in order to get there before
the others do. Of course, I wish you all the best of luck, and
leave you with this little reminder. DON’T FORGET THE COMMISH!
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