[Tidbits] Black Toothpaste

And I will be extrapolating. But before that… if you can’t use
toothpaste… I have it within my power to help you prevent
toothaches without the aid of a dentist. So…

Driving a nail into an oak tree will cure your toothache if you have
one. No nails handy? Pull a tooth from a corpse and hang it around
your neck and poof… no more toothaches. No corpses handy? Carry a
double nut in your pocket. Of course… this last little tidbit lends
itself to exploring the wildest stretches of one’s imagination …
but I am not here to guide… just to tell the facts as they are.

Which brings us… via the amazing art of the segue… to Black
Toothpaste. Someone… somewhere… at some time… with time clearly
hanging heavy on his mind… decided to make a tube of yellow gold
with black onyx goo coming out of it… and called it jewelry. To
me… it looks like black toothpaste coming out of a generic tube.
This–of course–is where I extrapolated.

But when dear Benjamin… prithee tell us when toothpaste actually
came into being… for we desperately need this info in order to
sleep well tonight… what with having run out of valium and the
drugstore being closed and our neighbor’s lights shut for the night.

Egypt. 2000 B.C. Over 4000 years ago physicians of the time used a
mixture of powdered pumice stone and wine vinegar which was brushed
on with a stick. Pungent and abrasive it was… but better, I assure
you, than a later mode used by the early Romans whose main
ingredient was human urine. In liquid form this also served as a
mouthwash. I suspect that in those times new meaning was given to the
words “bad breath”. I mean… puh-lease.

Of course… as in all things… there was the ingredient favored by
the elite… a better form of ingredient… the high octane version
as opposed the regular unleaded version used by the hoi- polloi. This
was Portuguese urine… highly prized and dearly paid for… for it
was supposedly the strongest stuff available on the continent. They
were going out for the evening. She wanted to be at her best for the
gala affair. Excuse me dearest, she said… would you please pass the
Portuguese Piss.

But here’s the kicker for those of you who scoff. The toothpaste was
effective because of the ammonia in the urine… an ingredient which
I understand was still being used in toothpaste in recent times. And
then there was the fall of the Roman Empire… which heralded the
decline of dental hygiene for 500 some odd years.

And then life came full circle. And we now use toothpaste regularly.
And I am waiting for life to imitate art… and for a new ebony
toothpaste to hit the market.

For those of you who are new to this thing called Tidbits…may I
direct you to my home page at www.tyler-adam.com where you will
scroll down the left side menu till you get to the area that says
Current Tidbits… and then click on it in order to view a tube of
black onyx toothpaste emanating from a golden tube … 6.8 cm high.
Signed by Arman. Value: Approx. 35,000 French Francs.

And there ya have it.
That’s it for this week folks.
Catch you all next week.
Benjamin Mark