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[Tidbits] Baby


#1

The wonderful thing about myths is that they’re always steeped in
irrefutable logic. You’re all going to love this first one. Also…
there’s gold at the end of this missive.

A child who passes under a car or through the spokes of a wheel will
not grow. I imagine this is especially true if the vehicle is moving.
Duh. Ya gotta love it.

A baby’s first journey must be upward or it will never do any good in
this world. I may be wrong about this… but doesn’t nature dictate
the baby’s first journey is downward. Unless of course you hang the
mother upside- down from a tree… dig in… and grab and pull
upward. But that would be so gauche… n’est ce pas?

Ooh. I have another one. It is said that a baby’s right hand should
not be washed for at least one month after birth. They do not say
why. They do not say if this applies to only male babies. But I
suspect it’s in order to avoid potential blindness because not even a
baby would use his dirty right hand inappropriately. Some knowledges
are inborn.

Should a mother give away all her baby clothes… she will find she
will need them again for the next newborn baby. I stand firm in my
position that this piece of logic should be written down in all the
instructional manuals for would-to-be mothers. By the way… do they
still print manuals? I revert easily to atavistic tendencies.

Lore has it that a soiled diaper should never be placed on a baby or
he will grow up to be a thief. I believe this practice could easily
upset the emotional and psychological makeup of even a rational
adult. Ye gads man… get that thing off of me.

Immediately following birth… a child should be swung nine times
over the first Saint John’s fire available. Now I admit I know
nothing about Saint John’s fires… but I’ll tell you this… you
swing my baby over that thing and you better have a right good
explanation at hand for your actions. Sheesh!

English tradition has it that if you allow a newborn to urinate over
a fireplace… it will quickly grow up to be well behaved. Yeah.
Especially if there’s a fire blazing in there. Place my genitals near
a blazing fire once and I’ll do anything to ensure you don’t do it
again.

And last in this segment is this: If you hand a baby over through an
open window… it will stunt his growth. I suspect this last piece of
wisdom was born in the inner cities of the world on the upper floors
of broken down tenements. Here Alice… could you hold the baby for
me for a sec… oops.

And then there’s the gold. The Southern Song Dynasty.(1127-1279).
Gold and silver craftsmanship flourished. Imperial workshops
expanded. Trade grew. Craft developed. New themes were created out of
visions gleaned from daily life. It was the time of birth for family
workshops. Gold and silver wares were bought by members of the
imperial family as well as brothel owners. The rush was on.

Whaddya got that’s new. I want something to show my friends… they
should only eat their hearts out. A necklace for m’lady? a bracelet
perhaps? Or maybe… psst… c’mere… look to the left… look to
the right… how about a baby… a golden male child… here in the
Jiaoguayuan Village of the Zhejiang Province… no one’s got one of
these yet… uh-oh… watch out… okay… no one looking …here…
take a peek… swathed in his bed clothes… a mere piddling for one
of your stature… you’ll be the envy… one of a kind… step right
up ladies and gennulmen… don’t be shy… gold and silver and silver
and gold…

So… that all said… how many of you would like to see a golden boy
baby of the Jiaoguayuan Village of the Zhejiang Province? Step right
up ladies and gennulmen. There’s room for one… there’s room for
all…

For those of you who are new to this thing called Tidbits…may I
direct you to my home page at www.tyler-adam.com where you will
scroll down the left side menu till you get to the area that says
Current Tidbits… and you will get to see this a golden baby of the
Southern Song Dynasty found in the Jiaoguayuan Village of the
Zhejiang Province.

And there ya have it.
That’s it for this week folks.
Catch you all next week.
Benjamin Mark