A q u a P e r l a t a
Now then my friends…it is well known–in certain communities
that have allowed themselves the luxury of total open-mindedness
–that magic does indeed exist despite the feeble protestations
of the scientific literati who think that logic and reasoning
stand head and shoulders over superstition and the darker
forces. To those poor deluded souls who like to rub shoulders
with today’s scientists…to you I say pish posh…'cuz I’m gonna
tell you some serious stuff about pearls.
Who knows where it started? To the Hindus, different colored
pearls held within their essence different virtues. For example:
If you owned a yellow pearl, there was a good chance you’d end up
wealthy. If your pearl was honey-colored…understanding would
seep through your very pores. White pearl…fame. Blue
But now wait. Let us say your pearl was defective. It had a
flaw, perhaps a scratch. Alas folks…the results cause me to
shudder even as a write this. You might end up with leprosy, lose
your money, become disgraced, tread toward the borders of
insanity, and perhaps even fall into the chasm of death. All
this, of course, depends on the degree of the flaw in the
But…but but but…not to fret me lads and lassies. For on the
good side…the good outweighs the bad. When properly
administered–after ensuring of course that you are only using
quality merchandize–pearls can act as an aphrodisiac. That’s
right my friends…when your got up and go got up and
went…imbibe the proper mixture of Aqua Perlata …and your got
up and went will git up and go…and by golly…you’ll be
nineteen again, no matter how old you are.
A quick digression here folks. I blush to even mention it.
Though I can not find you the right medicine man who knows how to
brew these things…I, here at Tyler-Adam Corp. strive ever
onward in my quest for quality. And so…I can assure you pearls
of quality fine enough to satisfy even the most discriminating
taste. Aside from beauty, I can get you the pearls to ward off
your dreadest fears. And…I can get them for you wholesale. And
that ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at.
Some pearls, when mixed with certain plants–I will not name the
plants–and when chewed, create a mixture considered one of the
"seven sisters of sleep", and is to the Hindu what opium is to
the China man.
Pearl mixtures are also known to sweeten the breath–for those
of you who misplaced their tic-tacs–aid in digestion, stimulate
the nervous system, and blacken the teeth. This last little bit
may not be desirable to those of you who want, you should pardon
the expression, their teeth to be “pearly” white. But all things
have their little drawbacks…no?
Aqua Perlata…it is said…restores strength…and almost
resuscitates the dead. Now…on the last little statement…I
have to say this. I don’t know what they mean when they say
"almost" resuscitates the dead. Does it resuscitate or doesn’t
it? I don’t know. But I do know this. I have the formula for Aqua
Perlata…and I’m going to make myself some. And many–hopefully
many many many-- years down the road, while I lay in the hospital
and the doctors hover over me sadly shaking their heads in
despondent knowledge over the inevitable destiny I face, I’m
going to whip out my Aqua Perlata, take a slug of the brew, leap
out of bed in my nightshirt held high now over my knobby knees,
jump up, click my naked heels, and run cackling madly down the
hospital corridors. And you, my friends, will be the only ones
who will know how I did it.
And there ya have it.
That’s it for this week folks.
Catch you all next week.
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