EEG ... (whatever that is!)
e-lectro-e-ncephalo-g-raph is a procedure that can be performed only
by direct descendants of the original spanish inquisitors
(torturers). an assistant - usually a torturer wannabe - glues
(truthfully, it’s just warm wax - unless you p.o. the assistant &
then it’s a little too warm wax) little wires all over your head but
mostly in spots where it causes the most discomfort and the hair has
to be ‘trimmed’ to remove. after the wires are all connected - about
2 days - you’re put into a small closet with a narrow bed, a lumpy
pillow, and a big window. then the light is turned off and you’re
told to go to sleep. they expect you to fall asleep immediately
knowing that someone is sitting on the other side of the window
monitoring the machinery - someone who will not get involved when
your claustrophobia advances beyond the screaming into the lumpy
pillow and reaches the stage where you are clinging to the big
window like a garfield toy on a car window. did i mention that the
uniform de jour you wear for this routine is one of those hospital
‘johnnies’ borrowed from the pediatric floor? an eeg is something
you usually have to go through to check your brain pattern after you
flat line in the o.r. - frankly i figured those little wires were
all programmed to subliminally transmit all night “it was not the
hospital’s fault. it was not …” anyway, my findings revealed that
either the 2 sides of my brain had had a tremendous battle that
wound up in detente, or i had never had a dominant side
(translation: neither side gave enough of a hoot to want to control
the other one) which backed up the sat, et al tests, that determined
i would probably become a structural engineer working with mother
theresa. or making jewelry. whichever was the more painful and
costly. they were right. ive people, ‘art’ called me & asked if
everyone is skinny dipping yet!