Dear Hans,
Sigh…Where do I start? Yes, I have gotten your letters. Avoiding
you? As if I could. Bribing that stripper to pose as a postal worker
in 2003 was an original thought. Although most of the elves were
quite amused, Mrs Claus was not. You should feel truly relieved Hans
that my position as a “Jolly Old Soul” prevented me from giving you
the present that you really deserved that year, although my contacts
in Siberia assured me that you would have had a very pleasant time
playing their version of hockey. Yes, they would have used you as a
puck, but really, it would have been an educational experience, and
you would have gotten to travel! You might have learned something, or
so Boris assured me. In any case, the abduct…uh…the travel
arrangements didn’t go off quite as planned. That is the only reason
you did not get a present that year.
2004? Hans Hans Hans. You do know I have a list don’t you? The one I
check twice? Well Hans, you are one of the few who have a list all to
themselves. You, Mr. Pinochet, and Ms. Hilton to name a few. Although
Ms Hilton is on her second list after all of that Greek shipping
magnate nonsense this past year. As for you: Switching diamonds,
gluing stones, threatening exposures etc. These things do not get you
onto Santa’s “nice” list. Besides, with all of the work you have been
palming out of your employer’s cases and selling off on E-bay, you
could have afforded that welder yourself long ago, if you hadn’t been
forced to use that cash to pay out hush money to Guido, for that
little mistake with his Boss’ wife’s engagement ring. Thought I had
missed that didn’t you? Uh uh…Santa misses nothing.
Your desperation is getting tiresome Hans. Do you not think I knew
who sent the “anonymous” letter to the missus suggesting that Rudolph
and I have more to our relationship than Reindeer and Claus? That
pointed little bit about how Rudy came to lead the sleigh ahead of
all of the other reindeer was a little much even for you. Oh yes, it
confirmed Dancer and Blitzen’s secret fears, but really Hans, Rudolph
earned that spot. After all, he is the only one with the big glowing
red nose when all is said and done, although I must say, since he has
laid off of the gin, and at least for the moment joined RA,
(Reindeers Anonymous…yes, I know I am not supposed to say anything,
but how could you miss him with that nose and all?) the rosacea is
much less evident. And no, we don’t think as per your letter, that
his nose is a result of an interspecies encounter between Rudy’s mom
and Mr. WC Fields. That suggestion was truly naughty Hans. A low blow
even for you.
As for 2005??? You have got to be kidding! You had to know that all
of that machination behind the scenes with poor Ms. Plame and her
Husband Mr. Wilson was going to blow up someday!! How could you
Hans? Just because your buddy Scooter paid you extra to get that
large ruby for his pinky ring, and then found out that you had fobbed
off a synthetic on him? Not only that, but it didn’t take him long to
figure out that it was a stone that came out of a ring from a gumball
machine!! That is how you pay him back? Look at him now. As if it
wasn’t bad enough, you thought no one would figure out that it was
you who originally suggested …?? Just so that you could get a
steady supply of gem quality turquoise for your pal Ozzy Osbourne’s
body piercings??? What were you thinking!!???
Listen to me Hans. It is not yet 2006. You still have time to start
the year right! I know it is you behind the latest Enron twist, but
you can back out before it gets too ugly. I know you think that the
boss’ daughter will make your life complete, but really Hans, the
girl is only seventeen, even if you do tell everyone that she is an,
“old soul”.
Hansje…Do yourself a favor. Work hard, be honest, live right and
go straight. There is still a place on the “nice” list waiting for
you. As things stand now, this can only end badly. When that happens,
and it will Hans, the only electrical appliance you will be getting
for Christmas, is several thousand volts courtesy of the state.
I, Ms Claus, the elves and all of the reindeer,…ok, Prancer
is still holding a grudge about that whip thing,… but anyway,
most of us up here at the North Pole want to see that ever growing
"naughty" list that we have up here for you come to an end. Remember
Hans, I know when you are sleeping, I know when you’re awake. I know
when you’ve been bad or good, SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE! You
better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling
you why: Santa Claus is coming to town!..and Hans…despite what
your letter # 6 insists, that is NOT stalking!!! Your inability to
obtain the restraining order proved that once and for all.
So to everyone else at Orchid: Merry Christmas, Happy Channuka, Happy
Holidays!!! If as the latest news down there in the US implies, the
name ever becomes more important than the holiday, we will all
totally miss out. After all, what really counts is the joy of the
season, the love and the giving, (no…sigh…not the taking Hans).
Family, friends and loved ones. A time to come together, to heal all
wounds, (Hans!!! Wounding all heels was never a part of the
season!!!), to forgive and forget.
No Hans, I haven’t forgotten yet…
Until next year…
Yours,
Santa Claus, ( Its been a long year, are gold prices going down yet?
Mrs C wants a new necklace…!) North Pole, Top of the World
PS: Have a Happy New Year!!!
