Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

This is going to be my last letter that I’m going to write to you.

From 2003 until 2005 I have written SEVEN letters. And you have not
answered any of them. And I am sort of getting tired of this, Santa.
The last letter I even labeled FINAL and I went to the post office
and I registered it. I still even got the receipt. But you did not
answer me even then. So I’m sorry to have to use this public forum to
try and talk to you…

Any way, let me get to the point.

I didn’t get all the stuff like I asked you for. I asked three times
in three separate letters in 2005. I told you I do titanium work. You
know I got to weld things together and a Laser welder would really go
down. I told you titanium can’t be soldered with the OxyGas flame that
I got right now. You know all this stuff. I told you in my second
letter and I copied it into my 3rd letter---- So don’t kid me, you

And Santa, it’s not as if I asked for the most expensive machine
either. I know, you only buy from the country you visiting, but the
model I told you about that’s made in China is all I want, okay?

I don’t want to harp on things Santa, but I been asking you for
things for a while now. Like, for a long time. And I’m getting tired
of waiting In my 7th letter I was honest with you. Really, honest.

When I let Mrs. Johnson’s chain fly on the polishing motor and it
broke into 15 pieces, there was no REAL harm done. She didn’t notice
all the solder joints and she was perfectly happy, not so? She didn’t
even mind that the chain was crinkled a bit.

And just because Mrs. Adams’ husband swopped her diamond for a cubic
Zirconia and I found out and told her, you Santa, in all your
wisdom, can not hold me responsible for the messy divorce. All I told
her was to go check his bank account and viola! — There the money
was! Not my fault Santa, he should never have put the money in his
personal account.

I know that you know that me and my workshop manager do some private
work on the side. He forces me to do his work. I have no choice. And
he only pays me 200 bucks for each job which is peanuts for him. Even
though he treats me like a slave. I know it’s wrong to do it Santa,
but let me explain. I need the ching, man-- - I got some serious
expenses. Really serious ones, Santa.

I got to replace the 7ct Emerald I broke when I was setting Mrs.
Smith’s ring, Santa. I know I was wrong by not telling the boss. And
I know I used the wrong glue to glue it back together. I got the
right stuff now. Her lawyer friend was very pissed-off with me and he
said she nearly drowned in her bath when the emerald came apart. And
the next morning she had to get the plumber to open the drain to get
all the pieces out and she was much traumatized. The lawyer said that
if I did not fix the problem he was going to tell my boss and make me

That would be very bad for me, Santa, because then I would have to
go to my bosses wife and tell her she’s got to tell my boss good
things about me. Otherwise I’ll tell my boss that she is having a
thing with the work shop manager. And Santa, I don’t mean a financial
thing but like a physical sort of thing, okay? And then the work shop
manager and me would get fired and the wife would get divorced and
the shop would close down and lots of people would be out of a job.
Then all the work would be outsourced and next thing, a Wal-Mart
will open and you of all people know how hard it is to compete against
Wal-Mart, not so Santa? I mean, what with Elves making wooden toys
and all that stuff.

So that’s why I need the equipment I asked you for, Santa.

And Santa, I got a very good business plan.

I’ve got ALL the addresses of my boss’s customers and I also got all
their BANKING DETAILS. Also, I got copies of all his MOULDS. I know
where the boss buys his stones and I even have spoken to one of the
gem dealer’s secretary once. So everything is set for go. I even
applied for a downstairs flat so it’s easier to move in the gas and
acid bottles and laser welders. Also, and listen Santa, this is the
good part; it’s got a VERY accessible fire place.

And! My best friend lives upstairs and he sends out millions of spam
e mails daily, so I don’t have to worry about advertising. So all I
need for you now is to fill my stocking.

Come on Santa, I need the stuff. I can’t take over the boss’
business with out it and I been good the whole year. I have not
cheated much on my wife, I haven’t nuked any ant nests and for the
whole year I have fed millions and millions of stray dogs.

So, Santa, I’m going to level with you now. I’m giving you the whole
of 2006 to come up with the goods. The whole year. Not everything in
December. The whole year. No more excuses like natural disasters and
the world economy. And I don’t give a damn that your runway in
Iceland was shortened by global warming. Fix it. You got one year
Santa, so make it work for you. Or you will be staring a class action
suite in the eyes, make no mistake. You choose.

Sincerely, your favourite jeweler, Hans

Dear Hans,

Sigh…Where do I start? Yes, I have gotten your letters. Avoiding
you? As if I could. Bribing that stripper to pose as a postal worker
in 2003 was an original thought. Although most of the elves were
quite amused, Mrs Claus was not. You should feel truly relieved Hans
that my position as a “Jolly Old Soul” prevented me from giving you
the present that you really deserved that year, although my contacts
in Siberia assured me that you would have had a very pleasant time
playing their version of hockey. Yes, they would have used you as a
puck, but really, it would have been an educational experience, and
you would have gotten to travel! You might have learned something, or
so Boris assured me. In any case, the abduct…uh…the travel
arrangements didn’t go off quite as planned. That is the only reason
you did not get a present that year.

2004? Hans Hans Hans. You do know I have a list don’t you? The one I
check twice? Well Hans, you are one of the few who have a list all to
themselves. You, Mr. Pinochet, and Ms. Hilton to name a few. Although
Ms Hilton is on her second list after all of that Greek shipping
magnate nonsense this past year. As for you: Switching diamonds,
gluing stones, threatening exposures etc. These things do not get you
onto Santa’s “nice” list. Besides, with all of the work you have been
palming out of your employer’s cases and selling off on E-bay, you
could have afforded that welder yourself long ago, if you hadn’t been
forced to use that cash to pay out hush money to Guido, for that
little mistake with his Boss’ wife’s engagement ring. Thought I had
missed that didn’t you? Uh uh…Santa misses nothing.

Your desperation is getting tiresome Hans. Do you not think I knew
who sent the “anonymous” letter to the missus suggesting that Rudolph
and I have more to our relationship than Reindeer and Claus? That
pointed little bit about how Rudy came to lead the sleigh ahead of
all of the other reindeer was a little much even for you. Oh yes, it
confirmed Dancer and Blitzen’s secret fears, but really Hans, Rudolph
earned that spot. After all, he is the only one with the big glowing
red nose when all is said and done, although I must say, since he has
laid off of the gin, and at least for the moment joined RA,
(Reindeers Anonymous…yes, I know I am not supposed to say anything,
but how could you miss him with that nose and all?) the rosacea is
much less evident. And no, we don’t think as per your letter, that
his nose is a result of an interspecies encounter between Rudy’s mom
and Mr. WC Fields. That suggestion was truly naughty Hans. A low blow
even for you.

As for 2005??? You have got to be kidding! You had to know that all
of that machination behind the scenes with poor Ms. Plame and her
Husband Mr. Wilson was going to blow up someday!! How could you
Hans? Just because your buddy Scooter paid you extra to get that
large ruby for his pinky ring, and then found out that you had fobbed
off a synthetic on him? Not only that, but it didn’t take him long to
figure out that it was a stone that came out of a ring from a gumball
machine!! That is how you pay him back? Look at him now. As if it
wasn’t bad enough, you thought no one would figure out that it was
you who originally suggested …?? Just so that you could get a
steady supply of gem quality turquoise for your pal Ozzy Osbourne’s
body piercings??? What were you thinking!!???

Listen to me Hans. It is not yet 2006. You still have time to start
the year right! I know it is you behind the latest Enron twist, but
you can back out before it gets too ugly. I know you think that the
boss’ daughter will make your life complete, but really Hans, the
girl is only seventeen, even if you do tell everyone that she is an,
“old soul”.

Hansje…Do yourself a favor. Work hard, be honest, live right and
go straight. There is still a place on the “nice” list waiting for
you. As things stand now, this can only end badly. When that happens,
and it will Hans, the only electrical appliance you will be getting
for Christmas, is several thousand volts courtesy of the state.

I, Ms Claus, the elves and all of the reindeer,…ok, Prancer
is still holding a grudge about that whip thing,… but anyway,
most of us up here at the North Pole want to see that ever growing
"naughty" list that we have up here for you come to an end. Remember
Hans, I know when you are sleeping, I know when you’re awake. I know
when you’ve been bad or good, SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE! You
better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling
you why: Santa Claus is coming to town!..and Hans…despite what
your letter # 6 insists, that is NOT stalking!!! Your inability to
obtain the restraining order proved that once and for all.

So to everyone else at Orchid: Merry Christmas, Happy Channuka, Happy
Holidays!!! If as the latest news down there in the US implies, the
name ever becomes more important than the holiday, we will all
totally miss out. After all, what really counts is the joy of the
season, the love and the giving, (no…sigh…not the taking Hans).
Family, friends and loved ones. A time to come together, to heal all
wounds, (Hans!!! Wounding all heels was never a part of the
season!!!), to forgive and forget.

No Hans, I haven’t forgotten yet…

Until next year…


Santa Claus, ( Its been a long year, are gold prices going down yet?
Mrs C wants a new necklace…!) North Pole, Top of the World

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