Hi everyone,
I know the topic of creativity and lack therof has been discussed
here quite a few times in the past. I stayed up until 2am going
through the archives looking for and then looking over such
discussions. I hope no one will mind that I am starting another
thread as I somehow feel like I still haven’t seen any advice that is
new to me or my understanding.
I have been organising an exhibition for myself and 4 friends (all
working in different mediums) that will be held in November in an
established gallery (yes, we have to pay for the privelage). Anyway,
its been a couple of years since I finished studying and I have been
working away at small projects in my studio whilst working various
jobs to bring in an income. There have been no major projects, and no
real concept building that I have undertaken since I finished my
course at uni. At the end of last year I decided to apply to do this
exhibition because I thought it would give myself and my friends the
kickstart we needed to motivate us to all do some truly artistic work
again and have a reason to see it all the way through to the end.
I started by spending a lot of time organising the application and
communicating with everyone in the group. Finally the application
went in, was accepted and we signed a contract. Then I went back to
my studio at the beginning of this year and looked around - it was a
mess and I had really not put in enough effort over the last couple
of years to make the studio environment a productive place to work -
there was no storage space so things were piled up all over the floor
and there was a huge empty space where I had intended to put a
workbench and add a polisher, drill press etc. So, I figured it would
help my exhibition work go more smoothly if I added shelves and
cupboards, made this work bench, went out and bought polishing
equipment and other bits and pieces. The whole process of getting my
studio sorted out has been dragging on and taking a lot longer than I
had expected - I have been working full time in an office job at the
same time.
Anyway, the studio is just about sorted and I had a day off work
yesterday and spent it in my studio - I decided for once to leave
what wasn’t finished in there and get a start on my project for the
exhibition. I sat down with my sketch book and glued in photocopies,
made sketches, made notes etc… then got to the end of the day and
realised I had nothing - I had been pretending all along. I based all
my notes on the last exhibition I did at uni - I hadn’t been
discussing doing anything new. I actually knew I had nothing already
though - because I haven’t had any new ideas or creative urges in so
long. The only new ideas I’ve had this year have been so far departed
take them seriously.
My life has changed quite dramatically since I was last experiencing
truly creative urges - I am wondering if my creativity and my style
is lost forever. When I was last feeling creative I was single, had
few friends, often went out to gigs by myself and found those
occassions really turned on a flow of creativity. I was also playing
sport on a regular basis. I suppose I had more time to read too and
spent a lot of time in the uni library doing research. I spent a lot
of time on public transport and would often sit at train platforms
sketching people sitting across on different platforms and that
sort’ve thing. At uni I did have some older friends and times we
spent at the coffee shop were spent in animated conversation - we
often spoke about the work each of us was doing and those
conversations really seemed to help shape the work and direction.
Now, I have a partner… I am usually just more happy in general -
my partner being around makes me feel very secure and it is like
having a best friend by my side at all times. My partner is a
musician and is sympathetic to my art but I would say doesn’t really
understand the visual art process… so I don’t get a whole lot out
of conversations we have about my art. When I go out to gigs now I
have someone with me so my mind doesn’t just float away because it
keeps getting grounded in conversation. I no longer play sport as I
gave it up so I could put more time into my art - I had been
spreading myself too thin being in a relationship, working a full
time job, training and playing sport weekly and working in my
studio. I used to play soccer and felt really passionate about it - I
wouldn’t say that at any moment playing soccer I felt inspired in
something specific to my art… but it was exhilerating and I do
wonder if that is an important missing dimension now.
I have been working in a public service job and was enjoying the
people I was working with in my section. Then another section offered
a higher level job and I was pressured by my boss, by that sections
boss and the state manager to apply for the job so I applied and got
it though would have preferred to stay where I was. Last week I did a
sort of “handover” to the new person in my old job and I suppose will
now go into my new job. I already know that the section I will be
moving into has a lot of backstabbing going on where my old section
had none. I still haven’t been told any thing specific about the job
I will be moving into and know I will need to do a lot of reading to
get my general knowledge for the new section up to speed. So, I am
feeling like the job change is a real unwanted distraction and do
feel a little stressed about it. The other thing about this job in
general is that the whole time I’ve been working in the public
service (a little over a year now) I have been on short term
contracts all along so I don’t feel that I have the ability to plan
ahead. I worry that when my current contract ends it won’t get
renewed and then I will be needing to finalise exhibition
arrangements and look for a new job simultaneously.
Okay, I know that was a lot to read through about me - thanks to
anyone who has made it this far. That is all background info - maybe
some of you will be able to relate to parts of it and identify points
that might be interrupting my creative process. I still get ideas
sometimes, mainly at staff meetings at work, but they just aren’t
like me… and mostly they are about solving technical problems…
once the problem is solved I can see that there is nothing special or
"me" about the design itself. My general life style is happier now
(with partner etc) but busier and more serious in nature and I would
have to take some pretty dramatic steps to go back to where I was
several years ago. I am really not sure if I am still an artist… I
just don’t seem to have it in me anymore. I just can’t summons that
creative drive that conquers all exhaustion, doubt, criticism etc…
I don’t seem to have it. I feel that it is something I can’t control.
Today I am going to a meeting about the exhibition (it is the ANZAC
day holiday) then I’m thinking about going to the museum and art
gallery and maybe going to the park to kick a soccer ball around. I
am hoping these things will trigger something… and of course, I
will continue trying to squeeze such things in where I can… But in
the meantime I guess I am looking for reassurance that this is not
the end for me and my creativity. It has been with me all through my
life - even as a very young child I dreamed of being an artist
because I loved to draw… it was never a challenge before - just
came to me. I am worried about letting the group down for this
exhibition and I am worried that I have lost the one thing that has
been with me throughout life as a positive driving force.
RR Jackson